God and Women

A man was walking along a beach deep in prayer. Suddenly the Lord said to him. "I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's not a very good wish! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!   I could do it, but it's hard. Take a little more time and think of another wish that would honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought for a long while. Finally, he said, "Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care enough and that I'm insensitive. So my wish is that I could understand women . . . I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .  I want to know why they're crying .  . . I want to know what they really mean when they say "nothing". . . . I want to know how to make them truly happy. . . . That's the wish that I really want, Lord."

God smiled and asked, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Corporate Lessons

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow, and asked, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. Suddenly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

It was so cold, that a flying bird froze and fell to the ground in a field. Soon, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay in the pile of dung, it realized how warm it was. The dung was thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and following the sound, discovered the bird under the pile of dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Morals: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

"I would love to get to the top of that tree," A turkey told a bull, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you eat my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and it gave him enough strength to reach the first branch. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a hunter, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Consultant Jokes
(replace with Lawyer, Accountant, ... as desires)

The following is from the March 1996 issue of Consultants News (they say "quotation with attribution is encouraged")

• Sign in a headhunter's open market in darkest Africa: Ordinary brains $9/lb Engineer brains $12/lb Doctor brains $11/lb Accountant brains $10/lb Consultant brains $97/lb Asked to explain the high cost of consultant brains, the proprietor said "You don't know how many consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!"

• A consultant is an ordinary person 50 miles from home with a briefcase.

• A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.

• A consultant who came upon hard times and had lost quite a few clients was forced to have a serious economic discussion with his wife and told her that they would simply have to cut back. "If you can learn to cook, we can get rid of the cook," to which the wife replied "Yes, dear, and if you can learn how to make love we can get rid of the gardener too."

• A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.

• A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.

• A tomcat who was fixed because he'd been bothering so many neighbors at night still continued to go out ... calling himself a consultant.

• The Senior Partner in a prominent consulting firm died and headed for heaven, but was politely told by St. Peter to get into the Management Consultant line. Soon after he saw someone else come along, say he was a consultant and get right in. He complained, to which St. Peter responded "That was God. He only thinks he's a management consultant."

• One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

• A client with one consultant knows what to do. A client with two consultants is never sure.

• Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.

Who is an Expert?

• An expert is a person who knows enough about what's going on to be really scared. - P.J. Plauger

• An expert is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

• If the world blows itself up, the last sound would be an expert saying it can't be done. - Peter Ustinov

• An expert's someone who's never in doubt but often in error. - R. Rinkle

• An expert's someone who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing. - R. Rinkle

Short Jokes

• If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression..... In America we call it golf.

• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home the earliest.

• What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a men? $3.99 a minute

Lawyer Jokes

• What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

• A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

• The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."

• The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

• If the facts are against you, argue the law If the law is against you, argue the facts If the facts and the law are against you, shout like hell.

• A man stood before the judge. 'I sentence you to three years for breaking in'. 'But sir, I didn't do anything !' 'You were caught with your burglar tools in your possession'. 'In that case you can put me in jail for rape .' 'Did you really rape somebody ??' 'No sir, but I had the equipment on me'.

Question - How do you say "screw you" in [Hebrew or English, French, Arabic, Chinese...]?
Answer - "Trust me"